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| Happiness!

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| For those of us who have decided to save our bodies for the committed man, I wonder if you suffer as I. For those of you that have lovers, but yet have not committed, do you feel the same? If only our love did not have to be hindered, we would not have these sleepless nights. Then these lustful thoughts would not be sins. What are those men thinking? They wait until the time is "right." But what is right? Is bottling up passion hoping it won't explode into something sinful, is that right? But I suppose we shouldn't look down on them. They have the weight of the world on their shoulders. They are forced to look into the future, while we are in the now. If only our men could see life how we see it. The future is not solid, every move for the good may turn out of the worst, we can't control it.
To all you ladies in waiting: stay strong. The road is long... but I hear its worth it.
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| If I could explain it, you know I would. And if I could get rid of it, it would have been long gone. What is up with me? And do I really want to know? If I'm honest with myself and hear myself out, will I like what I hear? I think I'd much rather be in the dark, then have to face whatever my mind and spirit is trying to tell me.
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| In light of Valentines Day and all the romantic stigma that goes with it, here's my relationship update.
Each day teaches me something more about B, both good and bad. I think the mushy feelings are evaporating, because you'd think I'd notice these things years ago. I wonder if we're getting sick of eachother, I figured that I should give him more space so I told him to call me when he wants to hang out, instead of always being there. So far today he hasnt called, so maybe that's a sign? I keep hoping for a ring, but as each day passes I find myself not getting as disappointed, perhapses it'll never happen... I'd have to move on if that's the case. But I know it will happen. It just might take a LONG while. I hate waiting. I want to be with him so bad.

Feb 29th is the traditional day when women ask their beloved to marry them, says my landlady. As tempting as it sounds, I could never do that to him. I'd feel like I took away his manhood or something. So I get to practice patients, one of my weakness qualities. For the sake of love! 
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| Dear God, Your ways are not mine. Why I always want to take control of my life instead of giving you (who can see the whole picture) I may never know. But its an on going battle. I want to be with him so bad, but its eating me up on the inside. Was I wrong to say the things I said? I dont think so. But it hurt so bad to say them, because deep down I want to keep things the way they are. But how would that bring glory to you? We arent planning on getting married for a few years now and these thoughts in my head arent going to go away if we keep going at the rate we are going.
I want to cry. Its so hard not to, but I'll have to wait until I'm in my own place again. Crying in front of people is rude, it dampers the mood of everyone around me. Besides, I dont want everyone to know whats going on, its just between the two of us.
Please give me strength dear Lord. I dont know if I can do this without you.
I probably screwed some things up, being in denial is a nasty thing.
Amen
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